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seeing as i never actually do anything of any value, this evening found me in a creative frame of mind. probably because watching tv cannot possibly be fun any more after how much i watch so my brain is telling me to use it or watch it atrophy into a puddle.
anywayz i continue to be a purveyor of the fabulous service of okcupid, and have continued my research with journalistic integrity and aplomb via screencapping weird messages and sulking when nobody pays me any attention. it's a learning experience and i continue to grow spiritually every day that i log in.












THINGS OKCUPID HAS TAUGHT ME

1. people just do not like my personality/sense of humour. for an overwhelming proportion of my life i have been able to speak, and i think everything has just been going downhill since that began. i curry reasonable favour via being reasonably pleasant to look at, and then i ruin everything by speaking. this is the general consensus. just look at that guy who solely said that to me. it's something i have been told a lot in my life. it makes me understand how cheryl cole feels a bit. and i don't like that one bit. is it time to give up and become mute? NEVER. until the end of my days will i think it's appropriate to be obnoxious and vocal about everything.

2. men do not like rejection. like not one bit. if they come onto you all 'hey sexy' and you're like 'ew get away' they suddenly start insulting you like nobody's business. like children losing at games of monopoly and tipping the board over and screaming. it's terrifying! are some men really so stupid that they think they are entitled to say whatever they want to a woman with absolutely no recognition of the fact that she's a human being? fuck everything!

3. dating websites break down any kind of social barriers and or reasonable expectations of social behaviour. people just say things like it's going out of style to be a cock and they want to get it out of their systems.

4. some guys like to wear tights.

i will keep yall updated in case i find a belgian prince. here's hoping.

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in lieu of actually reading the book i was assigned at university (the good soldier, in which everyone commits suicide and has affairs which sounds excellent on paper and somehow is actually depressing as hell) i decided i would do literally anything except read it. which naturally brings me to my blog. my little space of the internet. that's how i like to think of it, there's a teeny tiny space on the internet that i have, and it's mine, and i can do with it what i please.

THINGS THAT CHEER ME UP WHEN I AM SAD

1. IKEA
i am not sure what the lure of ikea is, but ever since i was little ikea makes me feel like everything is alright. walking around looking at all the lovely foreign names, getting plates of meatballs with jam on them, buying useless delightful home items, it all just makes sends me to a happy place. i thought seeing 500 days of summer would marr that slightly because zooey deschanel shits on everything i love and makes it twee filmy balls, but not even she can touch ikea. it's like heaven to me.

2. THE OFFICE
i will specify: i saw the office when i was about fifteen and thought it was absolutely shit. i only just started watching it again recently and realised what an absolutely brilliant thing it is. i'm pretty sure david brent is my spiritual animal. i've seen some of the office us but it just doesn't seem the same to me. plus it doesn't have this:


which is exactly, as an englishman, how i dance. when it reaches 00:52 i am in tears, every time. but something about the office, like with ikea, makes me feel like life is ok. maybe it's because it takes me back to being fifteen, when my biggest problem was the fact that i had motley crue hair and couldn't find anyone to buy me booze. those two things are still problems but i'm now seeking help.

3. GETTING A COFFEE
i'm attributing this to being a middle class white girl mostly but getting a takeout coffee always cheers me up and makes me think in my little head that i look like a grownup because that's what grownups do they get takeout coffee and then they send faxes or whatever. starbucks soothes the repressed suburbian soul.

4. READING TRASHY TEENAGE FICTION
if it has the words 'teen' 'girl' or 'kissing' on the blurb somewhere i'll read it. for funsies. doing a degree where you talk about proper boring books really makes you long for nothing but inane teenage drama hence my obsession with the oc. although in all fairness i was obsessed with the oc when it came out so maybe that's irrelevant.

5. MAKING SOMETHING
it doesn't matter what it is, but it must involve glueing things. i love to glue things to other things. and when i create a new thing with glue and things i am thrilled. sometimes i just glue things for no reason.

6. CHEESE
oh my lord i love cheese. it is just the most delicious soul cleansing food on this earth. if there are aliens out there the only reason they would come to earth would be to have cheese. unless they have something better than cheese in which case they should share. i don't like blue cheese but other than that i am pretty much for all cheese. brie and anything with cranberry are my favies. my mum got me a cheese plate for christmas and i ate the whole thing. in fact in retrospect i don't think she even specifically got it for me, i think she just got it for christmas day and my cheese brain looked at it and said 'that is for me. all of it shall be eaten by me alone' the fact that i'm fairly lactose intolerant doesn't bother me at all. the time i spend on the toilet with stomach cramps is time well spent if it's in the name of cheese.

i'm going to continue this when i'm not tired/ watching the office. i'm watching it right now and i'm in a smiley smiley coma

JOURNALISM

i decided a little while ago that my life just wasn't pathetic enough after exhausting drinking alone and crying to the fray, so i joined a dating website. okcupid to be precise. it has taught me many important lessons like that people are terrible and it has boosted my self confidence because people have stopped messaging me entirely despite my profile saying that i drink alone and that i cry to the fray and that my favourite activities are 'THIS IS DUMB. le sigh'. this is what you get in return for true honesty.


this is my personality according to okcupid. i don't know whether to be flattered or not (i'm not).i mean i may be political and 'indie' but my predominant quality is that i'm sloppy. in what sense i don't even know but it doesn't sound very attractive. and also i'm 'passion driven' which i'm assuming is okcupid's way of saying i'm a boning machine. but a compassionate one so fine.
having completed about six hundred stupid questions because i was bored i began to receive messages from people who were for some reason attracted to my profile and here are some of those delightful interactions with my fellow humans (click on them to read further):




as you can see i am quite the catch. i received an email saying i was one of the 'sexiest people on okcupid' which although is quite clearly a ruse to make me pay for a membership i couldn't help feeling a glow of pride: i am one of the most attractive freaks on a website for single losers. YEAH.
i no longer have any desire to live.

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when i'm not talking about menses (around 10% of the time) i'm thinking introspectively and profoundly (not) about life and more importantly myself in relation to it. sometimes i try and read like self help articles or videos in attempt to better understand my fellow human, which i've realised is futile, because i don't only not understand men, i don't understand anyone at all. i don't know whether that's me overestimating myself wildly or me sticking up a finger proudly and proclaiming that i have no social skills. it's murky water. the fact that i've been housebound all week with a chest infection/ confined to the house by jewish law (lol) means that i've forgotten to talk to humans for like a week. i'm sure for a normal person that'd be finesies but i am not one of you. i'm a bit basic. i've lost my damn train of thought again FUCK

let it flow

*disclaimer: for all of yall who refuse to acknowledge/ do not find funny the existance of and discussion of periods and or feminine hygiene (or in my case lack of therein WUT) i probably wouldn't read this if i were you because maybe you'd faint and need some smelling salts or something*

SO
periods.

every girl you know has them. we have them and they fucking suck a sack of camel dicks. they're different for every girl, some girls are lucky and have 'light' periods for like three days and don't cramp or get hormonal. gonna say right now: i am not one of these girls. i would not be here if i was one of these girls i would be out in a dress holding a cocktail and laughing carelessly while i enjoyed my lack of homicidal thoughts. that is not where we are right now. we are on the opposite end of that spectrum. we're at the end where i'm wearing a bathrobe and crying at toddlers and tiaras. because despite all the ways in which i scream about people who say 'geez are you on your period' i am actually very volatile on the rag. but you know what, you would be too if you had pms (spots, irrational emotional explosions, sore stomach) and a chest infection (sore chest, vomiting up what look like wet green cornflakes). you'd be pissed too. i know i normally hate everything but this is different, this is like everything makes me irrascibly angry and depressed and bound to cry at some point. but let's face it: THIS HAPPENS TO EVERY GIRL. and most boys. i'm pretty sure men have a time of the month also because jeez sometimes they act worse than we do, and for no reason no less. i've lost my train of thought now.
i just hate everything. i'll edit this at some point.

kate ming menzies > ADD ME ON FACEBOOK LOSERS I NEED NEW FRIENDZ

THINGS I AM HAVE ARE LEARNING

i technically go to university (i never actually go) and i've just kind of realised that one of those exam tips they give you about actually turning up? genius. don't know why i didn't think of that. i was too busy watching the oc at home and drinking coffee, i regret nothing by the way that was the best idea ever, and now i have an exam tomorrow and i don't really know what i'm doing. so blogging about it is really helping, obvz. here is what i know about the early modern period so far

• francis bacon wrote some essays about science and philosophy
• they were dead good
• thomas more wrote utopia in latin to unify the catholic church except now everyone thinks it's about communists
• is it funny to call communists pinkos? i find it hilarious but admittedly i'm not great with the whole oops that's not pc sometimes thing
• the catholic church in the 17th century had some beefs with itself and martin luther nailed some shit to a church door about protesting the earthly nature the religion was taking with all the catholics loving bling and shit and he called for the religion to move more towards spiritual fulfillment
• that sounded dead proper
• loads of english queens and kings fought about what religion the country would be which is why i like henry viii cos he literally just went 'what i can't divorce my wife? well I SAY I'M THE HEAD OF THE CHURCH AND THAT I CAN' that is the best reasoning i have ever heard of in my life, bravo siR

i think that's all i've taken in from the whole semester so once again well done me you've really outdone yourself last time. it was a fluke last year when you did the exact same thing and passed the exam, it's not going to happen this time i hope you know that. you have terrible luck you know that you never ever win on crane machines.

KATE'S GUIDE TO REVISION 2K11

1. don't ever listen to a word i say and listen to this song over and over and over

for extra funsies i am singing KATE when he sings PRINCE because i really am funky