many people try and summarise what 'love' is. 'love' is a feeling. 'love' is a flower. 'love' is when she doesn't press charges. etc etc etc. but in my 19 years on this planet as a superhuman being, i have learnt that 'love' is the person who will bring you home chinese take-out and tell you that you look nice in your insane pink cats eye glasses. that is what love is. remember that for valentines day, this is pure gold here. in fact, fuck it i'm bored

VALENTINES DAY: THE GUIDE

1. don't try and be clever. don't get flowers or chocolates ironically, because it's not funny or cute. you can't go full scale ironic and expect good results because it makes you look arsey. don't buy a 'i love you beary much' bear because it's dumb.

2. also, don't try and do a super-ironic 'isn't valentines day stupid' type thing. i had a friend whose boyfriend refused to celebrate their anniversary, instead got her a tin of spam and called it their 'spammiversary'. i know it's not valentines day, but the whole crux of it is that IT WAS STUPID. she said she thought it was cute, but something tells me she was dying inside.

3. i know i'm a feminist type, god knows i have hairy legs and am angry (JOKES) but i really do think that dudes need to step it up on a v day. it's just nice! even a home-made card and breakfast in bed is free but cute.

4. no jewellery. maybe it's just me, but i hate jewellery. i hate the idea that it's valuable, and i hate the idea that all women are like crows and scream for diamonds. i'd rather have a cd or something actually cool.

5. girls, don't feel obliged to buy lingerie. it's uncomfortable, and really just ultimately doesn't matter because it'll be on the floor anyways. just sellotape and glitter or something.

6. don't, for fucks sakes, DON'T go out for dinner. it's a cliche and you'll just end up surrounded by mushy freaks staring at each other and anyway the restaurant will be full of paper hearts and shit, which is depressing. i tend to get drunk on v day to make it go away, and sitting drunk in a restaurant is just awful.

7. best v day ever: picnic on living room floor, whilst playing dead rising all night. romance is different to everyone k? embrace it.

8. wash your hair and scrub your face and maybe like trim your nails or something, and you've got ultimate v day chic. just because gift card companies and telly say that on this particular day you have to spruce the fuck up, buy a buttload of gifts and drink champagne does not mean that you do. affection can't be measured through gifts, or dresses, so just get clean and do something nice.

9. if you're single, don't be tempted to stay in and mope. it does not matter on which nights of the year you're single, so go out and get slaughtered with your friends, or see your mum, or go to the gym or something productive. don't just eat icecream and watch sad films because that's what they WANT you to do... heck if you're that insecure, just ask the homeless guy on the street to go bowling with you. memories ahoy!

see? easy. now you'll have a lush valentines day a la awesome.