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i've never written about my experience with anxiety before. it's something i find very difficult to verbalise, or write down actually because that's what i'm doing. obviously you can't tell because you're reading the final draft but i've already written this about four times and deleted it four times. i'm even having anxiety about it. bear with me.

WHY I CAN'T GO INTO THE SAME SHOP TWICE IN ONE DAY INCASE THE STAFF THINK I'M SHOPLIFTING: LIVING WITH ANXIETY

anxiety is something that when you live with it you notice it in everything. maybe you get stomach cramps at the idea of entering a room where lots of people will look at you. maybe you have panic attacks. maybe your heart beats painfully hard when you worry about things you can't control, or things that might even not happen. it's a debilitating thing, anxiety. it makes people scared to do the most basic things, and for no reason. personally, i've been dealing with a lot of anxiety related problems recently.
the way in which anxiety affects me is that when i worry, i come up with multiple scenarios in my head. i test out every scenario in my head and i pick the one that stresses me out the least. that's the way i cope with things. i become anxious when the scenarios from which i am choosing are equally dificult. i'm not talking difficult like physically difficult or mentally difficult, i'm using difficult as a synonym for something that worries me, or if you will, triggers my anxious worry-mode. it can be something as trivial as having to go to a shop, even just to leave the house, to have to speak to someone face to face. these things, when i'm feeling anxious, really worry me. so when i'm trying to use my scenario system to decide what to do and there are anxiety triggers in all of them, i basically fold in on myself like a dying star. in theory, i am able to say 'i don't mind speaking to people' or 'i like going to university' but when i am anxious it's like i'm afraid of everything. i can't deal with anything. the ability to talk myself out of this frame of mind is something i have to really try to do because i will become completely internalized when i'm anxious and retreat to a land of worry inside my head. coming out of it to deal with myself is very difficult. also something that i find makes my temper flare up is when people ask me if i'm alright, or tell me to cheer up. i know in theory they are being nice, or trying to be helpful but i get very irritated. this is also something i have to actively tell myself, and even when i tell myself i'm still irritated but i don't say anything because i know it's irrational. it's odd having to act in a way that you know is the right way to behave when it feels entirely wrong. it's very very odd.
the whole idea of anxiety is quite generalised. it's called generalised anxiety disorder in america i think, if you're diagnosed. personally i think my anxiety is just a part of my personality. not the bad internalizing panicking part, but the natural worrying tendencies. i'll always be a worrier there's nothing i can do about that. but what i can do is try and look at the way i react to stressful things, and deal with them in a better way. i've been medicated before but i found that although the physical symptoms (headaches and especially stomach troubles) stopped, i still was/am a worrier (also antidepressants ruin your sex drive so fuck that noise) it's just who i am, it's how i deal with things. i plan, i predict, and i reason. however, some modicum of self-restraint has to be replied or i really lose the ability to be realistic. also i like making plans so the less i don't know what i'm going to be doing, the better. when i'm just floating around not doing anything the potential for me to get wound up rises quite a lot. 
i worry about whether i'll be ever be published, whether i should have bread today, whether i'll push my boyfriend away by being so anxious that i become aggressive, whether i'll want to get out of bed. it's humiliating. it makes me feel like i can't cope with just having a life, and like i as a person am insubstantial, weak. actual kate knows that this isn't the case, that i've dealt with lots of difficult stuff adequately, that i can and will do it again. anxiety kate however thinks that this is the case, that i'm incapable and lazy and just an all-round shithead. the balance of force between actual kate and anxiety kate over my behaviour is very evenly matched. i'm overcome easily by small situations and work myself up into a lather sometimes. but sometimes i'm not. sometimes i can reason with myself and say 'hey. you don't have control over some things and that's cool. you do have control over some things and that's pretty cool, but most importantly you have intuition. you know how to treat yourself. you know the score. you just don't think you do.' my aim is to be able to be actual kate, and when i'm anxiety kate, to be able to reason with myself and not become paralyzed by worry and self-loathing. a big, big part of being anxious is punishing yourself, and criticising yourself for not being able to do things or doing something wrong. not being horribly self-flagellating is really important so i don't spiral into a horrible spiral of horror.
i don't know really where i'm going with this. it's a good thing to get it off my chest and put it into words. i might come back to it with fresh perspective at some point but i feel like i've run out of steam a bit. anyway, if you read this then cool. if you didn't then you're not reading this so i guess whatever.