growing up, i've had to reconcile my love of caring for others and my tendency towards total immersion. when i watch tv, if something bad happens to a character that i like, it haunts me. it hovers around me all day and i can't get the reactions i have to what's happened and questions about it out of my head. i wonder how the character feels about it, how i would feel about it, if i will ever have to deal with it etc. i am not an uninvolved person when it comes to emotions or personal lives.
today a good friend of mine told me that she is going through something really, truly devastating. hearing her tell me on the phone was so painful because i myself haven't ever had to cope with what she's going through, and i have no idea how to behave towards someone who is, and also i know her quite well and know the impact it's going to have on her. i spent the rest of the day intermittently sobbing (at work, in the back room) and being completely in a world of my own. i can't disengage from what i know is happening to my friend. i know that being sad about it from afar is all that i can do, and it's not beneficial to anybody, but because i know that it's all i can do, i thus feel obliged to do it. as if because it's the only way i can actively do, i should. it's really difficult, because every time i felt happy or found something funny i felt genuinely guilty. like i shouldn't possibly be laughing, and how could i when somewhere my friend was so heartbreakingly sad. i'm not sad because of how this thing affects me, i'm sad because i know how it affects her and all i can do is tell her i'll do anything for her and be sad for her. but what does being sad accomplish? she doesn't know that i'm sad. my being sad isn't in any way tangible to her, and even if it was why would she care how i feel because it's not my place to be sad with her.
i'm really trying to balance feeling empathetic towards my friend and not letting other people's problems stop me from functioning in my own life, but it's difficult because of how much i become immersed in other people's lives. while i appreciate that letting myself become crippled by emotional fallout from events that aren't even happening to me is a really bad choice, sometimes it doesn't feel like a choice. it's just being horribly sad because you know your friend's in pain and no-one can change it. i'm going to try and stop feeling guilty about carrying on with my life as she has a hard time. i'm probably going to feel like a massive twat about it as well, because i have no idea what she's going through. i'm glad to be a person with empathy, and i'd never wish to be more unfeeling, but i don't want to let my life be ruled by the problems of everyone around me. if i do that i'll just explode from being an emotional pack mule and already being somebody who has troubles with coping with anxiety and overthinking is quite enough. i assume this aspect of my personality (or psychology or something) is inverse psycopathy, in which i have too much emotion and am far too unstable to handle any of it and as such am a very highly strung person. tomorrow i'm going to try and be reasonable with how much i let my feelings about what's happening to my friend control how i feel; i will be sad for her, but i won't be completely wiped out by it like i was today. maybe i'll keep writing about it (not here, in my journal. only so much self-involved pop psychology should be divulged to this blog, it's supposed to be funny) because sometimes writing is the only way i can deal with a way that i'm feeling. i'm going to go to bed and sleep on it, and do the best that i can tomorrow. sometimes that's all that you can do.

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