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in regards to my lack of interest in writing anything on this blog, here is my opinion on a pop culture thing. as some of yall may have noticed i work in a shop that sells books and music and stuff so i am constantly exposed to everything popular all the time and i either develop stockholm syndrome (re: rihanna's last album which i heard so many times that i ended up loving it) or becoming far too invested in picking it apart and criticising it SO i want to officially throw my hat into the ring fifty-shades-of-grey-wise. yep i'm going to go there.

REASONS FIFTY SHADES OF GREY IS SHITTY

1. it is completely not about BDSM. i admit, i'm not super well-versed in the technicalities of BDSM lifestyles or how they're accurately represented in writing, but the relationship in fifty shades of grey is just dumb. all the main character (anastasia steele) (can we just think on that for a second) does is whine about how much she hates her beautiful amazing wonderful superjesus magic boyfriend constantly belting her/ not letting her touch him/ invading her privacy/ not respecting her wishes etc etc the list goes endlessly on. forgive me if i'm wrong but BDSM is consensual activities that both partners do because they want to, not someone letting someone do something they don't like to them because they feel obliged/ are scared not to let them do. that is ridiculous and paints a portrayal of BDSM as solely for people who are emotionally fucked up/ abusive when that just isn't true.

2. there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for anything that anyone does. seriously the characters do things that literally can be traced back to one motive and that is to make more trouble. drama is meant to develop characters, to test their emotional boundaries and ultimately cause them to develop; it isn't meant to just give people a reason to cry self-indulgently about how much they want their boyfriend to kiss them. reading this book is the literary equivalent of watching jeremy kyle: endless pointless detail, no real reasons are given for you to particularly care about anyone involved because they're so irritating as people, and there is no catharsis because no resolution is reached after all the shouting of trivial details and complete lack of introspection. and i am totes over watching jeremy kyle because i'm a grown up now.

3. the author is english and writing about america. usually this is something that doesn't bother me, i mean i loved vernon god little and thought that was great and that's the same thing, but this is just terrible and unconvincing because the author has done really weirdly thorough research on some things (the building christian grey (lol) lives in is real and describes in actual real detail in the book) and absolutely none on others (spelling paedophile with an a which americans don't do) and the inconsistency really gets to me. i don't care if i'm being trivial, it's true, if i'm distracted by the characters/ world of a book being really forced and uncomfortable i'm not going to care who they are or what's happening to them because they're not real to me. if you're going to write about something but you're not sure that you actually can do it authentically then good grief just stick to what you know.

4. it began as twilight fan fiction. i have talked about my feelings on twilight before (namely that i think it's awful) so it seems pretty obvious that i wouldn't like fifty shades. but the whole nature of plagiarizing someone elses' story and characters seems like a piss poor premise because it's so cheaty. you can't just decide 'oh i like this book, i'll rewrite it so i like it even more and then i'll sell it' because you're making money right off the back of the thing you like, which is wrong even if it's as dumb and shit as twilight. it's lazy and i don't approve of it. once in a while there are exceptions obviously, if the person doing it knows the text really well and has an interesting interpretation and is an excellent writer, but in this case none of the former are even a bit true ever. at all.

5. for a 'dirty book' it seems to have trouble with the female anatomy. anastasia steele literally refers to her vag as 'down there'. like who does that. you have a vagina, say you have a vagina. you can describe a cock in full (alarming) detail but you can't even say the word vagina? nope. not buying it. bull. come back when you have more autonomy.

6. and this is the biggest one: it's just badly written. i can't, won't and shan't forgive bad writing. the dialogue is blunt and on the nose and completely hollow. there is absolutely no characterization at all because having your characters tell each other they're 'bright' and 'witty' isn't the same thing as actually writing characters that are bright and witty. you have to do that, as the writer it's your job. if i call myself a howler monkey it doesn't make me a howler monkey, in the same way that anastasia steele will never be anything over than a wet blanket judgemental weak-willed annoying shit. there is redundant phrasing out the wazoo ( being belligerent and angry at the same time is pretty easy seeing as they're near on the same thing) and the plot is about as well planned and paced as a really badly planned and paced plot. it's just terrible. everything about the book is terrible.