as you can see, that cat is wearing a bow-tie, and i know that you're now thinking 'how can i be as fancy as that cat?' you're consumed with jealousy, shame, and feelings of inadequacy.
well, i think it's times i taught you how to be fancy, because i am a ridiculously well organized, clean, charming member of society and i have decided it is time i devote my time to helping others to become more like me. here is proof that i am successful:
here i am featured with vic reeves, at my job that i lost
also apparently i am not qualified to clean a hotel, because my degree just isn't clean enough or something, i don't even know.
ANYWAY
i am going to impart some wisdom up in this shit, that i learnt from my mother/friends/television etc. (mainly television) so that yall can learn how to be more like me, a success e.g. crying yourself to sleep every night
1. do not, under any circumstance, get a job. jobs are for fat people. if you're valuable in any way you can find a way to make money without working for it. i am NOT talking about prostitution by the way. no, i mean basically, you're young and pretty right? so scoot that sassy little behind on over to the ucas website and apply for a student loan because for some reason people will give you money to study via drinking homemade frappes and watching tv all day. or bug your parents or something if you're too stupid for uni
2. even if you are shit poor despite having a student loan, there are ways to look like you're loaded: carry a starbucks cup around with you at all times, it can be re-used and filled with water/ gin if you are having a hard day, wear a lot of black because everyone knows black is cool ditto smoking and sunglasses (but not indoors unless you're a dick) having an excessively big purse/wallet, saying 'sweetie' or 'darling' a lot, touching peoples arms etc.
3. take vitamins that have 800% of your recommended daily allowance of every vitamin available to humanity. my great-grandmother told me when i was five that the RDAs that the government use are way way under what they should be and that if i didn't get way more vitamin C i would get something called 'polar bear's liver'. suffice to say that terrified me into taking ten times the RDA of my vitamins for probably forever.
4. if you are fat, order a live tapeworm off ebay and eat it
5. don't have facebook, no-one cool has facebook. go on something useful like a dating site so you can feel your self-worth somewhere around your ankles while you're stripping on webcam for a stranger
6. i got kind of side-tracked what am i even doing again
7. oh yeah, being successful: read shit tons of books. like all of the books. everyone likes a well-read person, i think. i wouldn't know, i am well-read and everyone on my literature course hates my guts
8. be good at cooking basic things e.g. bread, soup, bolognese etc. it gives you a sense of accomplishment. and keep jars of sauce and packets of noodles and stuff stashed in your cupboards so you don't accidently starve when you miss food-shop day.
9. take care of your eyebrows, they can make or break your face. you can spend hours applying perfect eyeliner and have ten-feet eyelashes but if you've got manky eyebrows then you'll just look shit regardless.
10. have a desk. it gives you a sense of purpose and a potential place to write if you're ever actually going to be an author like you promised yourself/gives you a place to keep your nail varnish
11. regularly check news websites and keep up to date with politics. no-one can resist a well-spoken and political-type person. i assume.
12. develop a manageable and quirky disease, maybe it'll make people like you
13. most importantly of all, keep hydrated. drink water all the time, ALL THE TIME. it makes you need to pee a lot, so people will think you have a coke problem, which is chic, and it keeps your sleep patterns and stuff regular. i cannot advocate keeping hydrated enough. it is my main beauty tip. just keep a bottle of water on you at all times and maybe one day you can be as successful as i am. i'm not promising anything but the chance is always there.
