up in the woods, down on my mind

i have portfolio due tomorrow (poetry ugh) and obvs i've left it all to today because really would i be me if i hadn't? i know yall wouldn't love me so much if i was actually productive cos that's boring lame reese witherspoon type shit. anyways i'm taking a lil break from my terrible pseudo-teen emo poetry because it turns out when you only listen to bon iver and elliott smith for two days and don't stop drinking coke you produce some pretty weird stuff. i'm not even going to get into the sexy poem about dogs i spent an hour writing (joking? you decide) but either way i'm getting pretty fed up of trying to think of ideas. i have 57 lines out of 90 which is kind of ok, and i have yet to do some kind of critical thing i don't know what it is but whatevs i'll wing it. i find poetry pretty easy. it's the kind of thing i don't need a lot of time to do, because for whatever reason if i take a week or half an hour on a poem i'll write the same thing. i don't revise a lot, i just do it and it's done. usually i do ok in poetry thankfully so let's just pray i wing it again. in first year i did my portfolio in a day and got 75% so i'm not too worried. all you have to do is use long words and not too many commas and you're golden. lessons on how to be a poet kids!

HOW TO BE A POET BY KATE 'THE POET' MENZIES

DON'T TRY TOO HARD

if you process sentences for too long you kind of stop looking at them too objectively and you forget what sounds like normal human language and it all goes a bit weird. just say a sentence and then forget about it. i'm not saying that once you've said something you can't go back to it, but do it briskly so you don't turn into an alien and need to be taught how to speak properly all over again. i can't be bothered teaching english as a first language any more i have things to do.

FIND A GOOD SOUNDTRACK FOR YOU

i know you're not supposed to work and listen to music, but we had one of those hilarious exam techniques classes in year 11 once where the woman told us about different types of learners. there's kinetic, who need to wiggle while they study, and visual who need to be able to see (it was a long time ago and i wasn't paying much attention bear with me) and then there was one kind who needed background noise NOT to get distracted and i was amazed that they were admitting that these people exist. i honestly get more distracted by silence than by listening to *nsync while i study and i'm glad that that's now recognised as a valid thing. it's all about finding something comfortable and inspiring for you to write to, whether it be bob dylan or nicki minaj, whatever tickles you. personally i head for depressing acoustica a la bright eyes, but that's just me, i have angst.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO GET RECREATIONAL

now i'm not endorsing drugs here, i'm just saying that i take them and i think they're great. the two things are not one and the same. (besides who cares what i think my life is a shambles and if you're using me as a moral compass you're going to end up adrift on a dead sea of special brew on a surfboard made of failure and sick) but i say if you feel the need to get some creative juices flowing with a nice glass o merlot or whatever you have lying around/ have stolen from a tramp then go with it. i've written some pretty good shit tanked up on whisky and calpol, and i don't do it too often so i say it's ok. i mean look at david bowie, he should be made to take smack all the time because he's pretty bad off it. we went from ziggy stardust to that weird techno album thanks to sobriety. thanks a lot sobriety you wet blanket party killer.

DEADLINES ARE NATURE'S PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

i never feel the need to do any work until around the twenty four hour countdown to deadline, but when i get down to it, i really do it. honestly it has varying results, but with poetry i find it pretty consistent. i just let myself recline until the stress and accompanying stress rash on my chest #sexy buck me into getting the bastard done. usually involving staying up all night intermittently weeping, working, and watching tv whilst drinking obscene amounts of anything caffeinated i can find. it gives me horrific stomach cramps but what doesn't? nothing. ever.

there. now you have all the necessary tools to be a great and excellent poet. if you're not it's your own fault and you didn't try hard enough now leave me alone i have work to do jesus christ