many people try and summarise what 'love' is. 'love' is a feeling. 'love' is a flower. 'love' is when she doesn't press charges. etc etc etc. but in my 19 years on this planet as a superhuman being, i have learnt that 'love' is the person who will bring you home chinese take-out and tell you that you look nice in your insane pink cats eye glasses. that is what love is. remember that for valentines day, this is pure gold here. in fact, fuck it i'm bored

VALENTINES DAY: THE GUIDE

1. don't try and be clever. don't get flowers or chocolates ironically, because it's not funny or cute. you can't go full scale ironic and expect good results because it makes you look arsey. don't buy a 'i love you beary much' bear because it's dumb.

2. also, don't try and do a super-ironic 'isn't valentines day stupid' type thing. i had a friend whose boyfriend refused to celebrate their anniversary, instead got her a tin of spam and called it their 'spammiversary'. i know it's not valentines day, but the whole crux of it is that IT WAS STUPID. she said she thought it was cute, but something tells me she was dying inside.

3. i know i'm a feminist type, god knows i have hairy legs and am angry (JOKES) but i really do think that dudes need to step it up on a v day. it's just nice! even a home-made card and breakfast in bed is free but cute.

4. no jewellery. maybe it's just me, but i hate jewellery. i hate the idea that it's valuable, and i hate the idea that all women are like crows and scream for diamonds. i'd rather have a cd or something actually cool.

5. girls, don't feel obliged to buy lingerie. it's uncomfortable, and really just ultimately doesn't matter because it'll be on the floor anyways. just sellotape and glitter or something.

6. don't, for fucks sakes, DON'T go out for dinner. it's a cliche and you'll just end up surrounded by mushy freaks staring at each other and anyway the restaurant will be full of paper hearts and shit, which is depressing. i tend to get drunk on v day to make it go away, and sitting drunk in a restaurant is just awful.

7. best v day ever: picnic on living room floor, whilst playing dead rising all night. romance is different to everyone k? embrace it.

8. wash your hair and scrub your face and maybe like trim your nails or something, and you've got ultimate v day chic. just because gift card companies and telly say that on this particular day you have to spruce the fuck up, buy a buttload of gifts and drink champagne does not mean that you do. affection can't be measured through gifts, or dresses, so just get clean and do something nice.

9. if you're single, don't be tempted to stay in and mope. it does not matter on which nights of the year you're single, so go out and get slaughtered with your friends, or see your mum, or go to the gym or something productive. don't just eat icecream and watch sad films because that's what they WANT you to do... heck if you're that insecure, just ask the homeless guy on the street to go bowling with you. memories ahoy!

see? easy. now you'll have a lush valentines day a la awesome.

double whammy

what a treat: a small poem i wrote about falling down the stairs


Falling Over

I didn't find the step I wanted,
Gravity ceased to keep my world tethered,
All around me, splintering china,
The shards fluttering upwards from impact like petals

Drowning silently in the air,
I saw my toes; they were pink tongues licking blindly,
I became a satellite, gliding through black space,
Arms searching for a hold, fingers clumsily snapping closed over and over

Seconds later, I was a ship finding land,
Everything made painful bloody sense,
In the conclusion where I found myself
Scratched and scalded by hot tea on the stairs

hey baby, need a date?

so, something happened today. i was strutting the streets of jesmond in my fuzzy trous and a bloodstained parka, debonairly swinging a box of cat food and a packet of farfilline, and listening to the new iron and wine album which is boss, and i felt good. i felt really good. i hate my job and i'm leaving it tomorrow. i'm strutting right in (probs not in the bloodstained parka and fuzzy trous) and telling them to cram it. i need more time to read my assigned books, which i am not currently doing, and i want my sundays back. i've worked all day every sunday for the past six months and i haaaaaaate it with the passion of a thousand suns. i want to spend every sunday for the rest of my life in bed reading harry potter and leaving my hair to look like a broom. that is the way sundays should be for everyone, it should be mandatory.

so, in conclusion, tomorrow i'ma stick it to the man. everyone should do something like that to feel happy.

I AM GONG TO BE THIS ANTEATER

AND I WANT THIS DOG



LISTEN TO THIS, IT'S ACE

ahaaa

'honestly, the best things in life are free'
'no, the free things in life are free because they're shit. you can have as much free stuff as you want, which is why it's shit. happiness is quantifiable, which is exactly why everything that is nice costs money and everything that is free is shit. and it's shit because it's free. stop living in a dream world.'

mercy woman

i need help i'm fallin' again..

happy 100th blog to me! i wish i had something proper to say but i don't. ok, how about...

what kind of cheese can you use to hide a horse?





marscapone.

hahahahahaha

do you ever think

about how people would describe you? or how you could accurately sum yourself up in words, pictures or music? i do. because i'm obsessed with myself, like a parakeet.

an event that defines me as a person: today i opened up a package containing new jeans from asos (they were on sale for £12, bitching price) and immediately put them on. then spilt an entire cafetiere full of coffee on myself, then dropped a piece of paprika chicken on my knee. that is just the kind of fuckery that happens to me.

a picture that defines me: (in which i am very drunk, very white, and surrounded by people much funnier/ cooler than i am)

so on, so forth.

i had forgotten that at one point scrubs was good. i think it was anyway, i'm only half-watching it. i'm mainly looking at www.regretsy.com which is hi-larious.

'BECOMES INVINCIBLE WITH MY SPELLS'

probably my favourite thing i've ever found on the internet. i cried laughing whilst reading it, and immediately saved it in my bookmarks.


http://cgi.ebay.com/VAMPIRE-INVINCIBILITY-SPELLS-Makes-u-IMMORTAL-/250749657519?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3a61d821af

this one's pretty good as well:

http://cgi.ebay.com/VAMPIRE-TRANSFORMATION-SPELL-IMMORTAL-VAMPIRE-/110626235037?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item19c1d6629d

it has small print that reminds you that the seller is 'required by state law to state that this spell is for entertainment purposes only'


hahahahahahahahaha

just search 'vampire spells' on ebay.com (not .co.uk, no-one in the uk offers them as well) and let me know of any other particularly good ones. happy searching!