kate, i see you're up at three in the morning on the internet in bed again. are you happy about this or ashamed?
well, i am both starving hungry and ashamed of myself for not being able to have regular sleeping patterns (becoming a bat person) and also defiantly proud of myself for doing exactly what i want when i want no mum i don't want to etc. etc.
ok... well, in general how is your quality of life?
there's nothing i enjoy more than spontaneity, and that to me means a complete lack of structure. some days i will eat nothing except toast and cheap olives. somedays i will buy myself a chinese meal for two because i can. fluctuating my sleep cycles and staying up past my sleepy period at ten at night to at least three in the morning are really what keep my life spicy.
do you actually try and take any care of yourself?
i had some fizzy vitamin c today
do you do anything with your time except be a worthless bum?
i start uni again on the 19th which i am looking forward to because i get my best friend back, but i also get the other forty odd arseholes on my course, most of whom hate me anyway. and there's reading and stuff. and i'll probs be working at hmv again because let's face it, it's an on again off again love hate relationship.
do you have any friends?
pass
will you be pleased to finally have something to do when the 19th comes?
probably for about a week then i'll want to go straight back to waking up at two and watching jersey shore all day and eating ready meals
you're pathetic
i know
Friday, 2 September 2011
lkjhdldkjas
home. home again. home, always humid and sweaty, home, always with glassy slick pavements and coursing throughout with a heartbeat of people. the train spat sunny out onto a station platform so familiar he slipped right out of it like a sleepwalker on a terrain of their own creation. the city drew him into its current, letting him pulse gently around the corners and down the steets in the great heartbeat. home was so silent and so warn after the weekend in the other city. sunny let the unfamiliarity run out of his skin with his sweat in the summer ooze, and let his muscles unclench for the first time in two days.
conrad had been cheated on and dumped again. the latest perpetrator had also been the latest 'one'. she was half-dutch and snapped her gum against her teeth so loudly you would think it hurt.
'you were only together for two months con, let it go.'
'imagine the most beautiful thing you can.'
'what.'
'do it, imagine something so beautiful that it's... perfection.'
'fucks sakes.'
sunny had imagined a young deer careering through a pine forest. he didn't know why because he didn't spend any time thinking about what he thought was beautiful, and the first thing he thought of was nature. behind his eyelids the deer's pelt glistened and the sun caught on it's dewy antlers. haunches rose and fell in sync as it pounded through the deathly still green.
'are you doing it?'
'...'
'are you?'
'.. yes.'
'what is it?'
the desperation in conrad's voice had broken sunny away from his creation, and he turned to conrad no longer prostrate in grief on his bed, but twisted towards sunny in agonising anticipation. his face was contorted hysterically and veins surged violet purple in his temples.
'it's a deer or something. i don't know. i think i saw it on dad's nature programme.'
'ok...'
conrad had sighed all of the air out of his body like it hurt him to speak.
'now imagine the deer looking around, for a stream to play in. it hears something. it's heartbeat quickens. the inertia drains from it's legs. it starts, ready to take flight, to run. and then an arrow hits it right in the eye, through to the brain. it's dead. and it'll rot on the floor, and never see another sunrise, or feel deer happiness again.'
imaginary deer felled, sunny had let his head rest backwards onto conrad's bed. conrad's infatuations were fast, intense and painful, like grease spatters from a frying pan. his emotional hyperbole varied from girl to girl, and depending on the quality of the girl. marlene with the cherry hair had been a car crash where the drivers hit each other head on and burst through the windshield, realising only in their last seconds who the other was and kissing each other into death in the air. susan holly, never just susan, was a luscious garden of poisonous blooms. petra with the ceramic horse collection and mysterious counselling books was every christmas you had as a kid, except every single present you ever open was a knife to the stomach.
the metaphors were due in part to conrad being a sensitive poet with a chest willingly left open so that his heart could be reached in seconds, and also to his undertaking of a degree in drama and performance art. every heartbreak was immortalised in monologue form, complete with accompanying tears and wretched hollow beats upon the chest, and performed to a workshop of fellow amateur dramatists.
'con this has happened too many times now. when are you going to get to be the heart breaker?' sunny had thought that mocking might be the only antidote to the affliction of grandiose emotional spiel.
'sunny, it's not in my nature to turn away from love. i open myself fully to it; i turn towards the sun like a blossom. i let the warmth kiss my petal face, and equally i let the rain dampen it.'
'and you let bees eat your face.'
'sun, don't be stupid, come on.'
'and if she's the sun and you're the flower then you're different species. and that's like beastiality.'
'beastiality is between a human and an animal!'
'you would know.'
'look, you just don't understand yet. you've never been in love, little sun. one day soon you'll be stung by love and you'll feel just like i did, before...'
'wait, i'm a bee? i thought if i was in love i was a flower? wait, why would a bee sting a flower?
'i genuinely don't know why i bother.'
conrad had been cheated on and dumped again. the latest perpetrator had also been the latest 'one'. she was half-dutch and snapped her gum against her teeth so loudly you would think it hurt.
'you were only together for two months con, let it go.'
'imagine the most beautiful thing you can.'
'what.'
'do it, imagine something so beautiful that it's... perfection.'
'fucks sakes.'
sunny had imagined a young deer careering through a pine forest. he didn't know why because he didn't spend any time thinking about what he thought was beautiful, and the first thing he thought of was nature. behind his eyelids the deer's pelt glistened and the sun caught on it's dewy antlers. haunches rose and fell in sync as it pounded through the deathly still green.
'are you doing it?'
'...'
'are you?'
'.. yes.'
'what is it?'
the desperation in conrad's voice had broken sunny away from his creation, and he turned to conrad no longer prostrate in grief on his bed, but twisted towards sunny in agonising anticipation. his face was contorted hysterically and veins surged violet purple in his temples.
'it's a deer or something. i don't know. i think i saw it on dad's nature programme.'
'ok...'
conrad had sighed all of the air out of his body like it hurt him to speak.
'now imagine the deer looking around, for a stream to play in. it hears something. it's heartbeat quickens. the inertia drains from it's legs. it starts, ready to take flight, to run. and then an arrow hits it right in the eye, through to the brain. it's dead. and it'll rot on the floor, and never see another sunrise, or feel deer happiness again.'
imaginary deer felled, sunny had let his head rest backwards onto conrad's bed. conrad's infatuations were fast, intense and painful, like grease spatters from a frying pan. his emotional hyperbole varied from girl to girl, and depending on the quality of the girl. marlene with the cherry hair had been a car crash where the drivers hit each other head on and burst through the windshield, realising only in their last seconds who the other was and kissing each other into death in the air. susan holly, never just susan, was a luscious garden of poisonous blooms. petra with the ceramic horse collection and mysterious counselling books was every christmas you had as a kid, except every single present you ever open was a knife to the stomach.
the metaphors were due in part to conrad being a sensitive poet with a chest willingly left open so that his heart could be reached in seconds, and also to his undertaking of a degree in drama and performance art. every heartbreak was immortalised in monologue form, complete with accompanying tears and wretched hollow beats upon the chest, and performed to a workshop of fellow amateur dramatists.
'con this has happened too many times now. when are you going to get to be the heart breaker?' sunny had thought that mocking might be the only antidote to the affliction of grandiose emotional spiel.
'sunny, it's not in my nature to turn away from love. i open myself fully to it; i turn towards the sun like a blossom. i let the warmth kiss my petal face, and equally i let the rain dampen it.'
'and you let bees eat your face.'
'sun, don't be stupid, come on.'
'and if she's the sun and you're the flower then you're different species. and that's like beastiality.'
'beastiality is between a human and an animal!'
'you would know.'
'look, you just don't understand yet. you've never been in love, little sun. one day soon you'll be stung by love and you'll feel just like i did, before...'
'wait, i'm a bee? i thought if i was in love i was a flower? wait, why would a bee sting a flower?
'i genuinely don't know why i bother.'
Thursday, 25 August 2011
life tips
as you can see, that cat is wearing a bow-tie, and i know that you're now thinking 'how can i be as fancy as that cat?' you're consumed with jealousy, shame, and feelings of inadequacy.
well, i think it's times i taught you how to be fancy, because i am a ridiculously well organized, clean, charming member of society and i have decided it is time i devote my time to helping others to become more like me. here is proof that i am successful:
here i am featured with vic reeves, at my job that i lost
also apparently i am not qualified to clean a hotel, because my degree just isn't clean enough or something, i don't even know.
ANYWAY
i am going to impart some wisdom up in this shit, that i learnt from my mother/friends/television etc. (mainly television) so that yall can learn how to be more like me, a success e.g. crying yourself to sleep every night
1. do not, under any circumstance, get a job. jobs are for fat people. if you're valuable in any way you can find a way to make money without working for it. i am NOT talking about prostitution by the way. no, i mean basically, you're young and pretty right? so scoot that sassy little behind on over to the ucas website and apply for a student loan because for some reason people will give you money to study via drinking homemade frappes and watching tv all day. or bug your parents or something if you're too stupid for uni
2. even if you are shit poor despite having a student loan, there are ways to look like you're loaded: carry a starbucks cup around with you at all times, it can be re-used and filled with water/ gin if you are having a hard day, wear a lot of black because everyone knows black is cool ditto smoking and sunglasses (but not indoors unless you're a dick) having an excessively big purse/wallet, saying 'sweetie' or 'darling' a lot, touching peoples arms etc.
3. take vitamins that have 800% of your recommended daily allowance of every vitamin available to humanity. my great-grandmother told me when i was five that the RDAs that the government use are way way under what they should be and that if i didn't get way more vitamin C i would get something called 'polar bear's liver'. suffice to say that terrified me into taking ten times the RDA of my vitamins for probably forever.
4. if you are fat, order a live tapeworm off ebay and eat it
5. don't have facebook, no-one cool has facebook. go on something useful like a dating site so you can feel your self-worth somewhere around your ankles while you're stripping on webcam for a stranger
6. i got kind of side-tracked what am i even doing again
7. oh yeah, being successful: read shit tons of books. like all of the books. everyone likes a well-read person, i think. i wouldn't know, i am well-read and everyone on my literature course hates my guts
8. be good at cooking basic things e.g. bread, soup, bolognese etc. it gives you a sense of accomplishment. and keep jars of sauce and packets of noodles and stuff stashed in your cupboards so you don't accidently starve when you miss food-shop day.
9. take care of your eyebrows, they can make or break your face. you can spend hours applying perfect eyeliner and have ten-feet eyelashes but if you've got manky eyebrows then you'll just look shit regardless.
10. have a desk. it gives you a sense of purpose and a potential place to write if you're ever actually going to be an author like you promised yourself/gives you a place to keep your nail varnish
11. regularly check news websites and keep up to date with politics. no-one can resist a well-spoken and political-type person. i assume.
12. develop a manageable and quirky disease, maybe it'll make people like you
13. most importantly of all, keep hydrated. drink water all the time, ALL THE TIME. it makes you need to pee a lot, so people will think you have a coke problem, which is chic, and it keeps your sleep patterns and stuff regular. i cannot advocate keeping hydrated enough. it is my main beauty tip. just keep a bottle of water on you at all times and maybe one day you can be as successful as i am. i'm not promising anything but the chance is always there.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
happy barfday
i woke up this morning (every morning for a month) with an impending sense of doom. why? because in exactly 20 days time, i turn 20 years old. inbetween my suicide attempts and hysterical bouts of sobbing i've been making a birthday present list, tearing it up because it makes me greedy, and then making a new and longer one. it's been fun.
THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT MY TEEN YEARS:
1. my formative years consisted mainly of black hair dye, being dumped by a chubby boy with broken front teeth over msn (#criedmyheartout) and my chemical romance. what will my twenties bring me? probably a mild lust for jumpers and the need to watch ER.
2. being legit skinny
3. being able to get away with murder (coming home drunk from parties, actually having a social life etc.). nobody cares anymore because i live alone and no-one buys me food or makes sure i'm bathing, hence i am starving with BO.
4. actually having to go to high school even though it was shit. at least i had things to do.
5. going to the skate park and hovering trying to pick up skaters and never actually succeeding
6. looking like this:
#thinyetroundfaced #adorable
7. watching nothing but teen dramas. i'll still do it when i'm twenty but it'll be incrementally creepier
8. everything about being a teenager is better i'm going to kill myself now
Thursday, 2 June 2011
kfdhfdlkd
WHY YOU SHOULD HIRE ME:
1. i am good at reading and thinking and stuff
2. if i am not bored i work very hard
3. i make a conscious effort to shower at least every other day and hardly ever have B.O anymore
4. i am a quick learner and good with computer systems
5. i can be good at customer service if i know what i'm doing/ aren't upset
6. i can do monotonous tasks for hours and hardly notice
7. i can make paper fortune tellers
8. i always remember to say 'happy birthday!' and smile when it's someone's birthday
9. i have a really good memory e.g. mention something that happens in buffy and i will tell you what series and even what episode if i am not hungover
10. i watch so much CSI that i'm fairly sure i could competently solve a murder
11. i can buy a bus or metro pass to get to a job if i have to
12. i sound posh and thus will not scare posh people
13. i have job experience and have been proven to be good at remembering the prices of games, accessories, hardware etc.
14. i once did a really hard a level maths question in year 11 and the teacher was impressed because usually i was really bad at maths but not that day
15. i have my own phone, teeth, passport and laptop so i am evidently proficient at life
16. i do not mind scutwork and i will get coffees or sweep hair or put make-up on dead bodies or whatever you need me to do
17. i know how to make friends with cats really well dogs don't like me though
18. i am really good at cleaning and am probably borderline obsessive compulsive sometimes but you can use this to your advantage
19. i am not afraid of vomit, spit, pee, spiders etc.
please hire me
1. i am good at reading and thinking and stuff
2. if i am not bored i work very hard
3. i make a conscious effort to shower at least every other day and hardly ever have B.O anymore
4. i am a quick learner and good with computer systems
5. i can be good at customer service if i know what i'm doing/ aren't upset
6. i can do monotonous tasks for hours and hardly notice
7. i can make paper fortune tellers
8. i always remember to say 'happy birthday!' and smile when it's someone's birthday
9. i have a really good memory e.g. mention something that happens in buffy and i will tell you what series and even what episode if i am not hungover
10. i watch so much CSI that i'm fairly sure i could competently solve a murder
11. i can buy a bus or metro pass to get to a job if i have to
12. i sound posh and thus will not scare posh people
13. i have job experience and have been proven to be good at remembering the prices of games, accessories, hardware etc.
14. i once did a really hard a level maths question in year 11 and the teacher was impressed because usually i was really bad at maths but not that day
15. i have my own phone, teeth, passport and laptop so i am evidently proficient at life
16. i do not mind scutwork and i will get coffees or sweep hair or put make-up on dead bodies or whatever you need me to do
17. i know how to make friends with cats really well dogs don't like me though
18. i am really good at cleaning and am probably borderline obsessive compulsive sometimes but you can use this to your advantage
19. i am not afraid of vomit, spit, pee, spiders etc.
please hire me
Saturday, 21 May 2011
Friday, 6 May 2011
HI
had my final and only exam this morning so i'm allowed to blog again. well done me.
SO i was reading up on my celebrity gossip as i like to do, and i saw that cheryl cole is on the american x factor now. which amazes me because she's a geordie lass and probably no-one will understand a word out of her mouth. and also, geordie shore, a newcastle version of jersey shore has been made by mtv. me and my friend have been trailing around newcastle trying to find them but we can't, possibly because we're not utter tramps like them.
so what i have gathered is: being a geordie is in fashion! how glorious! newcastle is not that big, and it's honestly pretty gross, but here we are spawning cheryl cole and geordie shore. i am going to be really kind and thus make my own introduction to newcastle.
SOME THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT NEWCASTLE
- the man who invented the ipod, iphone, ipad and macbook went to northumbria university. which coincedentally is where i study.
- mosely street in newcastle city centre was the first street in the world to be lit by electricity and the lit and phil lecture theatre was the first public place to be lit by electricity
- newcastle has the highest binge drinking rates in england, which has the highest binge drinking rates in all of europe. you wanna get drunk? get here.
- sting is from newcastle. i'm pretty sure america loves sting. everyone here, literally everyone, claims to know/ have met sting at least once.
- the first biotechnology village and consequently the leading research lab for stem cell research in the UK, the 'centre for life', is located in newcastle city centre
- newcastle is the noisiest city in the UK with an average decibel rate of 80.4 explaining why no-one understands each other
- other music people from here: bryan ferry, dire straits, brian johnson of ac/dc, the animals and yes, fucking maximo park and the futureheads. you see them on the metro all the time. i managed to serve the lead singer of maximo park in HMV at christmas and have no idea who the hell he was.
- get carter was filmed here and the pub the beehive is still exactly how it was when get carter was filmed e.g. horrible
nifty eh?
but wait, there's more!
newcastle is home to a singular dialect spoken nowhere else in the world, primarily because it is unintelligible and bizarre. seriously, it's one of the hardest accents to master in the world. in order for you to understand what cheryl cole says on the x factor, here are some helpful translations and handy phrases:
here man! (hee-yah mahn) - exclamation of anger/ surprise
well-aye (well-eye) - yes
whyaye man (why-eye mahn) - yes definitely
doon - down
gan - going
hew man (hoo mahn) - excuse me, but ruder
radgie (raj-jee) - derogatory slang for a working class person
charver (char-ver) - same as above
eeeeeeeeee... - exclamation of shock/ disappointment
tab/snout - cigarette
excuse me - what people say when they're about to abuse you
fuckin' poshie (fuckin posh-ee) - what i am called on a near daily basis for having no geordie accent and therefore being posh.
for more, head to:
http://www.le.ac.uk/ee/glossaries/2008/geordieslang/index.html
and LARN YARSEL GEORDIE LEEK ( learn to speak geordie)
some educational videos you may care to watch:
a comical interpretation of geordie. it is pretty accurate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-JXfIV2Zpo
yes there was a skit on tv called wonky donkey. that's what it's like in england, get over it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm8vDlj7jaU
here you go, jersey shore, but in newcastle e.g. geordie shore. possibly worse than jersey (note the number of likes v.s. dislikes)
now you're ready to be a fashionable geordie! don't say i never do anything useful on this blog
p.s. the royal wedding was shit, i don't understand why anyone here or anywhere else suddenly cares about the monarchy because it's not like they actually do anything useful. unless you count being inbred and rich as useful. so i'm not even going to write about it, because it's a waste of time.
p.p.s fucking kate middleton made me sick of my own name.
SO i was reading up on my celebrity gossip as i like to do, and i saw that cheryl cole is on the american x factor now. which amazes me because she's a geordie lass and probably no-one will understand a word out of her mouth. and also, geordie shore, a newcastle version of jersey shore has been made by mtv. me and my friend have been trailing around newcastle trying to find them but we can't, possibly because we're not utter tramps like them.
so what i have gathered is: being a geordie is in fashion! how glorious! newcastle is not that big, and it's honestly pretty gross, but here we are spawning cheryl cole and geordie shore. i am going to be really kind and thus make my own introduction to newcastle.
SOME THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT NEWCASTLE
- the man who invented the ipod, iphone, ipad and macbook went to northumbria university. which coincedentally is where i study.
- mosely street in newcastle city centre was the first street in the world to be lit by electricity and the lit and phil lecture theatre was the first public place to be lit by electricity
- newcastle has the highest binge drinking rates in england, which has the highest binge drinking rates in all of europe. you wanna get drunk? get here.
- sting is from newcastle. i'm pretty sure america loves sting. everyone here, literally everyone, claims to know/ have met sting at least once.
- the first biotechnology village and consequently the leading research lab for stem cell research in the UK, the 'centre for life', is located in newcastle city centre
- newcastle is the noisiest city in the UK with an average decibel rate of 80.4 explaining why no-one understands each other
- other music people from here: bryan ferry, dire straits, brian johnson of ac/dc, the animals and yes, fucking maximo park and the futureheads. you see them on the metro all the time. i managed to serve the lead singer of maximo park in HMV at christmas and have no idea who the hell he was.
- get carter was filmed here and the pub the beehive is still exactly how it was when get carter was filmed e.g. horrible
nifty eh?
but wait, there's more!
newcastle is home to a singular dialect spoken nowhere else in the world, primarily because it is unintelligible and bizarre. seriously, it's one of the hardest accents to master in the world. in order for you to understand what cheryl cole says on the x factor, here are some helpful translations and handy phrases:
here man! (hee-yah mahn) - exclamation of anger/ surprise
well-aye (well-eye) - yes
whyaye man (why-eye mahn) - yes definitely
doon - down
gan - going
hew man (hoo mahn) - excuse me, but ruder
radgie (raj-jee) - derogatory slang for a working class person
charver (char-ver) - same as above
eeeeeeeeee... - exclamation of shock/ disappointment
tab/snout - cigarette
excuse me - what people say when they're about to abuse you
fuckin' poshie (fuckin posh-ee) - what i am called on a near daily basis for having no geordie accent and therefore being posh.
for more, head to:
http://www.le.ac.uk/ee/glossaries/2008/geordieslang/index.html
and LARN YARSEL GEORDIE LEEK ( learn to speak geordie)
some educational videos you may care to watch:
a comical interpretation of geordie. it is pretty accurate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-JXfIV2Zpo
yes there was a skit on tv called wonky donkey. that's what it's like in england, get over it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm8vDlj7jaU
here you go, jersey shore, but in newcastle e.g. geordie shore. possibly worse than jersey (note the number of likes v.s. dislikes)
now you're ready to be a fashionable geordie! don't say i never do anything useful on this blog
p.s. the royal wedding was shit, i don't understand why anyone here or anywhere else suddenly cares about the monarchy because it's not like they actually do anything useful. unless you count being inbred and rich as useful. so i'm not even going to write about it, because it's a waste of time.
p.p.s fucking kate middleton made me sick of my own name.
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