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WHY YOU SHOULD HIRE ME:

1. i am good at reading and thinking and stuff
2. if i am not bored i work very hard
3. i make a conscious effort to shower at least every other day and hardly ever have B.O anymore
4. i am a quick learner and good with computer systems
5. i can be good at customer service if i know what i'm doing/ aren't upset
6. i can do monotonous tasks for hours and hardly notice
7. i can make paper fortune tellers
8. i always remember to say 'happy birthday!' and smile when it's someone's birthday
9. i have a really good memory e.g. mention something that happens in buffy and i will tell you what series and even what episode if i am not hungover
10. i watch so much CSI that i'm fairly sure i could competently solve a murder
11. i can buy a bus or metro pass to get to a job if i have to
12. i sound posh and thus will not scare posh people
13. i have job experience and have been proven to be good at remembering the prices of games, accessories, hardware etc.
14. i once did a really hard a level maths question in year 11 and the teacher was impressed because usually i was really bad at maths but not that day
15. i have my own phone, teeth, passport and laptop so i am evidently proficient at life
16. i do not mind scutwork and i will get coffees or sweep hair or put make-up on dead bodies or whatever you need me to do
17. i know how to make friends with cats really well dogs don't like me though
18. i am really good at cleaning and am probably borderline obsessive compulsive sometimes but you can use this to your advantage
19. i am not afraid of vomit, spit, pee, spiders etc.



please hire me

ljfhlskd

did the rapture happen? i didn't notice, i was watching CSI

HI

had my final and only exam this morning so i'm allowed to blog again. well done me.

SO i was reading up on my celebrity gossip as i like to do, and i saw that cheryl cole is on the american x factor now. which amazes me because she's a geordie lass and probably no-one will understand a word out of her mouth. and also, geordie shore, a newcastle version of jersey shore has been made by mtv. me and my friend have been trailing around newcastle trying to find them but we can't, possibly because we're not utter tramps like them.
so what i have gathered is: being a geordie is in fashion! how glorious! newcastle is not that big, and it's honestly pretty gross, but here we are spawning cheryl cole and geordie shore. i am going to be really kind and thus make my own introduction to newcastle.

SOME THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT NEWCASTLE

- the man who invented the ipod, iphone, ipad and macbook went to northumbria university. which coincedentally is where i study.

- mosely street in newcastle city centre was the first street in the world to be lit by electricity and the lit and phil lecture theatre was the first public place to be lit by electricity

- newcastle has the highest binge drinking rates in england, which has the highest binge drinking rates in all of europe. you wanna get drunk? get here.

- sting is from newcastle. i'm pretty sure america loves sting. everyone here, literally everyone, claims to know/ have met sting at least once.

- the first biotechnology village and consequently the leading research lab for stem cell research in the UK, the 'centre for life', is located in newcastle city centre

- newcastle is the noisiest city in the UK with an average decibel rate of 80.4 explaining why no-one understands each other

- other music people from here: bryan ferry, dire straits, brian johnson of ac/dc, the animals and yes, fucking maximo park and the futureheads. you see them on the metro all the time. i managed to serve the lead singer of maximo park in HMV at christmas and have no idea who the hell he was.

- get carter was filmed here and the pub the beehive is still exactly how it was when get carter was filmed e.g. horrible

nifty eh?

but wait, there's more!

newcastle is home to a singular dialect spoken nowhere else in the world, primarily because it is unintelligible and bizarre. seriously, it's one of the hardest accents to master in the world. in order for you to understand what cheryl cole says on the x factor, here are some helpful translations and handy phrases:

here man! (hee-yah mahn) - exclamation of anger/ surprise

well-aye (well-eye) - yes

whyaye man (why-eye mahn) - yes definitely

doon - down

gan - going

hew man (hoo mahn) - excuse me, but ruder

radgie (raj-jee) - derogatory slang for a working class person

charver (char-ver) - same as above

eeeeeeeeee... - exclamation of shock/ disappointment

tab/snout - cigarette

excuse me - what people say when they're about to abuse you

fuckin' poshie (fuckin posh-ee) - what i am called on a near daily basis for having no geordie accent and therefore being posh.

for more, head to:

http://www.le.ac.uk/ee/glossaries/2008/geordieslang/index.html

and LARN YARSEL GEORDIE LEEK ( learn to speak geordie)



some educational videos you may care to watch:




a comical interpretation of geordie. it is pretty accurate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-JXfIV2Zpo

yes there was a skit on tv called wonky donkey. that's what it's like in england, get over it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm8vDlj7jaU

here you go, jersey shore, but in newcastle e.g. geordie shore. possibly worse than jersey (note the number of likes v.s. dislikes)


now you're ready to be a fashionable geordie! don't say i never do anything useful on this blog




p.s. the royal wedding was shit, i don't understand why anyone here or anywhere else suddenly cares about the monarchy because it's not like they actually do anything useful. unless you count being inbred and rich as useful. so i'm not even going to write about it, because it's a waste of time.

p.p.s fucking kate middleton made me sick of my own name.

kjhdkj

i completely meant to have a 3. at the end of that last blog, but i was typing it for aaages and ages and then the tab decided to refresh itself all like WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED TO PUBLISH THAT IT WAS SHIT ANYWAYS JEEEESH
and i got angry and posted it as it was in a rage blur, not realising that it made me look like i have no conviction to finish things and am also stupid.
so.

3. i am scared to move. the night before last, i sat up until 5:30 a.m. researching the libyan conflict and the history of libya under colonel gaddafi (qaddafi? why does everyone spell it differently?) and holy hell. even though the perpetual threat of him just deciding the bomb everything to dust has been present for years and years, the fact that i myself have only just become aware of said fact has made it infinitely more likely to happen. i wish it wasn't that way, but it is.
i am pretty damn sure g/qaddafi is evil incarnate though. linked to many bombing, publicly announcing he'll fund freedom fighting and suicide bombing, broadcasting executions of rebels, hanging out with some of his fellow contemporary evil dictators (milosevic and that red faction president) and travelling with a ukrainian sex nurse are just a few of his attractive hobbies. i wish wikipedia had a built in safe mode wherein if i try to search something like 'libya' or 'g/qaddafi' it automatically links me to 'fraggles' or 'kittens' instead. but no. so i sat up in a complete panic until six in the morning, unable to concentrate on anything else, and have since been in a state of hyperawareness. i'm usually completely politically unaware, and now i know why: THE WORLD IS TERRIFYING. have you seen the shit that is happening? tsunamis? earthquakes? nuclear fallout? bombing? it's fucking awful! how i will ever pluck up the courage to live vicariously again?
and i'd like to thank the british army for dragging us all into this mess. now we are in the running to be libya's next top bomb target. thanks a lot guys, next time do a phone in vote about whether to get involved in an overseas war effort so i can vote against it and be a massive coward. seriously, if i was the british army and i saw libya throwing bombs at itself? i'd turn the other way and whistle.

4. making a g/qaddafi sim on the sims 3 and killing it might make me feel better.

5. something else, i don't even know i'm too busy trying to be really quiet so i don't die in a war or something

1. i want the sims 3. it's literally the stupidest game ever but i desire it. why? i do not know. perhaps all the advertising has finally permeated my brain and i will drink nothing but pepsi and play nothing but the sims 3 for the rest of my little life, who knows. all i know is that the urge to create another death house to lure in neighbours and trap them in rooms full of fireplaces is overwhelming.

(for reference: http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/sims-3-life.php)

2. i just filled in my first ever uk census form. how grand. i couldn't figure out how to work the relationship chart thing and i didn't want to call my boyfriend my brother or mum or something so i left that part well alone. i was also scared of the portion asking me about my qualifications, so i have either said i have three PHDs or maybe no GCSEs. boyfriend specified his religion as jedi and filled in the tick boxes incredibly sloppily, i assume to 'stick it to the man' in the most perfunctory way possible.

3.

which seat can i take?

hi. i have eyes, hands, and the ability to read. i can use a computer, and pay to have the internet on said computer. i have some awareness of the internet. therefore i have heard 'friday' by rebecca black.
I KNOW. I WENT THERE. fuck you vanessa hudgens, release as many nudie shots as you want and i will simply refer you to dane cook:



anywayz.



* if you haven't seen it, take a moment to acquaint yourself. learn the lyrics. think about what day it is*

the internet is foaming and churning with rage like a grecian sea in the wake of 'friday'. why? people find it irritating. it is poorly written. it marks the death of good music. it is stupid. etc etc etc. memes and parodies are popping up faster than sores on a druggie's face, and they show no signs of stopping. it's all in good fun, obviously.
NOT.
when did the internet get so mean? i mean, i know, i've read encylopedia dramatica, i've seen anonymous's opinion on everything from gays to jews. it's not pretty. but rebecca black and her plight have struck the previously believed to be dead sympathetic bit of my brain. she's a 13 year old kid and she just wanted to make a cool music video. but people are being horrible about her, like it's her that's made the video. why not blame her recording company for writing the song for her? or her agent for securing the deal? she's only little. it's not her fault. don't just pin all your hatred for anything sweet and stupid on her and turn her into a vehicle of bile. i will refer to the boxy case:
boxy recorded a spoof video of herself being pretty much an emo kid who talked too fast. anonymous reared its ugly head in anger and flamed her to hell, but that is because anonymous is a misogynistic and pseudo-machismo and feels the need to annihilate and abuse any form of female/ child. it's creepy, seriously. but there was a boxy revolution. she made people think that maybe it's ok to be cute, it's ok to be slightly irritating. it's not a personal offense that she is doing it for. she's not being funny to deliberately irritate you. and to refer back to rebecca black:
it's the same thing. she's young, dumb and full of ... smiles! (what did you think i was going to say, jeez?) calm the fuck down. stop making memes like she needs to be murdered for crimes against humanity. she's just some weird looking kid with kind of overly thick hair and a kind of awkward disposition. i feel sorry for her, honestly, imagine being 13 and getting to do your own song, and video, and being super-psyched about it, then getting torn to shreds and insulted for something you were proud of. it's just mean. i'm mean, i'll admit, but about people who are full of themselves. people who believe themselves to be the shit. rebecca black is younger even than my little brother, or cousins. bless her stupid little heart, it's just not fair. she's just having a nice time, so please just have a nice time with her and don't suggest that she cut her wrists on youtube.
the lyrics. ok, the lyrics ... are bad. like terrible. but most lyrics are! most lyrics don't make sense. vague pretty sounding sentiments are not real sentiments. isn't a kind of funny bad song enough to just make you laugh and think nothing more about it, rather than take to 4chan and conspire to bring the culprit to their knees? what does it even say about our culture that we'll damn and blast anyone who tries to do something just because it's not for us? we'll destroy anything cute and dedicate our actual time and effort to upsetting a 13 year old kid. i didn't see anything mean about casey heynes, and he bodyslammed a kid and broke his leg cos he wanted to. (i know, bullying and whatever, but honestly i tried to watch the video interview with him and his accent just grated on my brain) rebecca black is just another vehicle for a record label that wants to capitalize on justin bieber's success. so if you've got a problem with rebecca black.. take it to the people whose fault it is. how can you be so fucking stupid to not realise that making fun of her video means you're watching it; making fun of her song means you're listening to it. it doesn't make it any different that you're being 'ironic' or 'sarcastic', because that doesn't show up in the demographics. if you want to change music and what's being released, take it to the people who make the decisions. not the kids who just wanted to be cool. anonymous, stop taking yourself so god damn seriously because it's lame. have fun fun fun fun!





(lookin' forward to the weekend.)

somethin' gruesome, somethin' awful

i'm in the middle of my third assigned essay for university. and obviously, i am taking a break, to conserve my mental energy. and having a biscuit, to conserve my happiness.
essays are so redundant. you can find essays about essays on reviews of essays on books. i therefore submit that my shitty juvenile four page excuse for an essay is a dead end. nobody is going to write an essay about this essay. if nobody is going to read my essay, let alone write about it, what is the point of me doing it? everything is futile. not to mention my essay is a clusterfuck of completely opposing ideas and random theories. it's the verbal and visual equivalent of a huge bunch of jangling keys.
my little brain is not equipped to deal with this kind of thing. i'm a creative writer, my thought process is insane and delicate and not to be senselessly exposed to so many external ideas at once. i feel like my head will get full up and i'll start vomiting words. my mind is going to crumple under the sheer weight of the task it has been dealt. it's not even that i can't do it, because i was doing it dandily until i realised that it was a futile pointless endeavour. i get distracted almost ridiculously easily, from anything, even fun things, so this essay was always doomed.
more importantly, i did something creative for once. you know, like i always threaten to but never actually do? well i actually did. take THAT, poetry lecturer who doesn't believe in me.

Sunday

I woke up heavy as a stone; as grey as iron
Hours loomed ahead smelling like coffee and wet floor,
Looking gossamer fine with their lack of consequence,
Still, a purring black happiness sat on my chest,
Green-eyed and soft,
Completely unattached to me, and unable to spread.
Spirals of some dull feeling tessellated behind my eyes,
I couldn't wipe them away like sleep or tea stains.
Yesterday sat pungently in front of me,
Stinking and decaying like any wasted day does,
The dead potential hissing as it cooled and sending up olive fumes.
I could have gone to the sea,
Gone to the fields or the hills,
I could have done anything, or maybe something.
Now my head feels like an empty teacup,
And the cat's pissed on the stairs again,
And home is so very, velvety quiet.