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well i finished my essay (explain how two modernist authors enforce and/ or subvert binary gender roles #lesigh) and now i have none left for this semester apart from an exam but whatevs that's not for like a month and a half so yessssssssssss get in there my son howay the lads gan crackers hew! that's all the geordie phrases i can contextually use at this point but rest assured i am thrilled with myself.
SO
i joined plenty of fish and okcupid because let's face it, the mens are not bashing down my door for a date and also i get bored easily and like picking fights with strangers. i deleted okcupid in a drunken blur and that left plenty of fish which i think was worse. i tried match dot com also but it tried to make me pay so i was like hairflip i'm outie

MY EXPERIENCE ON PLENTY OF FISH

you know, the one who has autism

a recurring trend was people telling me that my profile was weird which i personally don't think is true but there you go i guess that's why i'm single




check out this impeccable logic. he kept messaging me after this asking why i hated men and why was i afraid to love after which i sent him a link to 'i wanna know what love is' and he stopped

this is completely true now yall know my secret

STORY OF MY LIFE

this was one of my personal favourites because he looks like what every man on a dating site should not admit they look like. also because he tried to woo me by saying that he's into electro music which i actually loathe and that he used to have pink and yellow hair which i imagine would make him look like a very sinister mr blobby.




this is the guy above's profile which i find really disturbing like if they make another paranormal activity or whatever this should really be featured because i swear after i read it i didn't feel right for like half an hour it felt like the profile was touching me

this one i have no idea what the heck he is talking about but kudos for the word wizardry colin, you're a boss

and they say that chivalry is dead!





......
i still just... no

i also explored the effect of using nice or weird pictures as my profile pictures. as expected, pictures like this:
got a lot more messages than pictures like this:

that does it for another edition of how pathetic my life is. join me next week when i will debate the benefits of something v.s. another thing or whatever i don't know byeeeeeeeee

jchgfbjsdnfs

**this is a bit of a short story i am working on i promise i am a writer and i write things i promise pinky promise no backsies i will post the full thing when it's done**

If the sky is what is above us, then the sky in every chain music shop is a mess of silver glowing pipes and ducts ribbed with thick white veins. Matt H. and Kev, and Matt. S and Paul; I knew them in the way people in the same chain know each other. Social interactions like peripheral vision; you saw them in regional memos in team photos, or you saw them at biannual northeast parties at the sour damp carpeted venues hired out. We all shared the same sky. Every day spent under the dull reflections the pipes cast. The weather never changed for any of us. Outside it could have been snowing or glowing hot but in the shops, everything stayed the same.

The only exception to the unchanging forecast for them was October the 22^nd 2002. The day Rod Stewart’s collection of big band covers of classic American songs was released. Rod glowed out of the plastic cases of a thousand CDs in his white dress shirt, toothy and wrinkled like leather. The pipes caught glints off the cases and shone them back down, and it seemed almost like a sunny day. Outside, not that anyone could have known, it was raining; huge grey tears poured onto the slick concrete. Inside they were safe in their world of black rubber floors with thick raised pads like Braille and fluorescent lights and Rod Stewart’s dead eyes winking from every plastic display cut-out. Tills sang a monotonous symphony of beeps and clicks. It had been a hard day for most of us: I was coming down with a flu that made the world feel filmy and slimy like a rotten pond. Karen had been through a particularly bad break-up with Matt S. and had refused to work on the till next to him, and let big black tears run down her face silently all morning.

khkhdds

seeing as i never actually do anything of any value, this evening found me in a creative frame of mind. probably because watching tv cannot possibly be fun any more after how much i watch so my brain is telling me to use it or watch it atrophy into a puddle.
anywayz i continue to be a purveyor of the fabulous service of okcupid, and have continued my research with journalistic integrity and aplomb via screencapping weird messages and sulking when nobody pays me any attention. it's a learning experience and i continue to grow spiritually every day that i log in.












THINGS OKCUPID HAS TAUGHT ME

1. people just do not like my personality/sense of humour. for an overwhelming proportion of my life i have been able to speak, and i think everything has just been going downhill since that began. i curry reasonable favour via being reasonably pleasant to look at, and then i ruin everything by speaking. this is the general consensus. just look at that guy who solely said that to me. it's something i have been told a lot in my life. it makes me understand how cheryl cole feels a bit. and i don't like that one bit. is it time to give up and become mute? NEVER. until the end of my days will i think it's appropriate to be obnoxious and vocal about everything.

2. men do not like rejection. like not one bit. if they come onto you all 'hey sexy' and you're like 'ew get away' they suddenly start insulting you like nobody's business. like children losing at games of monopoly and tipping the board over and screaming. it's terrifying! are some men really so stupid that they think they are entitled to say whatever they want to a woman with absolutely no recognition of the fact that she's a human being? fuck everything!

3. dating websites break down any kind of social barriers and or reasonable expectations of social behaviour. people just say things like it's going out of style to be a cock and they want to get it out of their systems.

4. some guys like to wear tights.

i will keep yall updated in case i find a belgian prince. here's hoping.

sdjhgsjhgsdj

in lieu of actually reading the book i was assigned at university (the good soldier, in which everyone commits suicide and has affairs which sounds excellent on paper and somehow is actually depressing as hell) i decided i would do literally anything except read it. which naturally brings me to my blog. my little space of the internet. that's how i like to think of it, there's a teeny tiny space on the internet that i have, and it's mine, and i can do with it what i please.

THINGS THAT CHEER ME UP WHEN I AM SAD

1. IKEA
i am not sure what the lure of ikea is, but ever since i was little ikea makes me feel like everything is alright. walking around looking at all the lovely foreign names, getting plates of meatballs with jam on them, buying useless delightful home items, it all just makes sends me to a happy place. i thought seeing 500 days of summer would marr that slightly because zooey deschanel shits on everything i love and makes it twee filmy balls, but not even she can touch ikea. it's like heaven to me.

2. THE OFFICE
i will specify: i saw the office when i was about fifteen and thought it was absolutely shit. i only just started watching it again recently and realised what an absolutely brilliant thing it is. i'm pretty sure david brent is my spiritual animal. i've seen some of the office us but it just doesn't seem the same to me. plus it doesn't have this:


which is exactly, as an englishman, how i dance. when it reaches 00:52 i am in tears, every time. but something about the office, like with ikea, makes me feel like life is ok. maybe it's because it takes me back to being fifteen, when my biggest problem was the fact that i had motley crue hair and couldn't find anyone to buy me booze. those two things are still problems but i'm now seeking help.

3. GETTING A COFFEE
i'm attributing this to being a middle class white girl mostly but getting a takeout coffee always cheers me up and makes me think in my little head that i look like a grownup because that's what grownups do they get takeout coffee and then they send faxes or whatever. starbucks soothes the repressed suburbian soul.

4. READING TRASHY TEENAGE FICTION
if it has the words 'teen' 'girl' or 'kissing' on the blurb somewhere i'll read it. for funsies. doing a degree where you talk about proper boring books really makes you long for nothing but inane teenage drama hence my obsession with the oc. although in all fairness i was obsessed with the oc when it came out so maybe that's irrelevant.

5. MAKING SOMETHING
it doesn't matter what it is, but it must involve glueing things. i love to glue things to other things. and when i create a new thing with glue and things i am thrilled. sometimes i just glue things for no reason.

6. CHEESE
oh my lord i love cheese. it is just the most delicious soul cleansing food on this earth. if there are aliens out there the only reason they would come to earth would be to have cheese. unless they have something better than cheese in which case they should share. i don't like blue cheese but other than that i am pretty much for all cheese. brie and anything with cranberry are my favies. my mum got me a cheese plate for christmas and i ate the whole thing. in fact in retrospect i don't think she even specifically got it for me, i think she just got it for christmas day and my cheese brain looked at it and said 'that is for me. all of it shall be eaten by me alone' the fact that i'm fairly lactose intolerant doesn't bother me at all. the time i spend on the toilet with stomach cramps is time well spent if it's in the name of cheese.

i'm going to continue this when i'm not tired/ watching the office. i'm watching it right now and i'm in a smiley smiley coma

JOURNALISM

i decided a little while ago that my life just wasn't pathetic enough after exhausting drinking alone and crying to the fray, so i joined a dating website. okcupid to be precise. it has taught me many important lessons like that people are terrible and it has boosted my self confidence because people have stopped messaging me entirely despite my profile saying that i drink alone and that i cry to the fray and that my favourite activities are 'THIS IS DUMB. le sigh'. this is what you get in return for true honesty.


this is my personality according to okcupid. i don't know whether to be flattered or not (i'm not).i mean i may be political and 'indie' but my predominant quality is that i'm sloppy. in what sense i don't even know but it doesn't sound very attractive. and also i'm 'passion driven' which i'm assuming is okcupid's way of saying i'm a boning machine. but a compassionate one so fine.
having completed about six hundred stupid questions because i was bored i began to receive messages from people who were for some reason attracted to my profile and here are some of those delightful interactions with my fellow humans (click on them to read further):




as you can see i am quite the catch. i received an email saying i was one of the 'sexiest people on okcupid' which although is quite clearly a ruse to make me pay for a membership i couldn't help feeling a glow of pride: i am one of the most attractive freaks on a website for single losers. YEAH.
i no longer have any desire to live.

kjhkjmsdnm,sd

when i'm not talking about menses (around 10% of the time) i'm thinking introspectively and profoundly (not) about life and more importantly myself in relation to it. sometimes i try and read like self help articles or videos in attempt to better understand my fellow human, which i've realised is futile, because i don't only not understand men, i don't understand anyone at all. i don't know whether that's me overestimating myself wildly or me sticking up a finger proudly and proclaiming that i have no social skills. it's murky water. the fact that i've been housebound all week with a chest infection/ confined to the house by jewish law (lol) means that i've forgotten to talk to humans for like a week. i'm sure for a normal person that'd be finesies but i am not one of you. i'm a bit basic. i've lost my damn train of thought again FUCK

let it flow

*disclaimer: for all of yall who refuse to acknowledge/ do not find funny the existance of and discussion of periods and or feminine hygiene (or in my case lack of therein WUT) i probably wouldn't read this if i were you because maybe you'd faint and need some smelling salts or something*

SO
periods.

every girl you know has them. we have them and they fucking suck a sack of camel dicks. they're different for every girl, some girls are lucky and have 'light' periods for like three days and don't cramp or get hormonal. gonna say right now: i am not one of these girls. i would not be here if i was one of these girls i would be out in a dress holding a cocktail and laughing carelessly while i enjoyed my lack of homicidal thoughts. that is not where we are right now. we are on the opposite end of that spectrum. we're at the end where i'm wearing a bathrobe and crying at toddlers and tiaras. because despite all the ways in which i scream about people who say 'geez are you on your period' i am actually very volatile on the rag. but you know what, you would be too if you had pms (spots, irrational emotional explosions, sore stomach) and a chest infection (sore chest, vomiting up what look like wet green cornflakes). you'd be pissed too. i know i normally hate everything but this is different, this is like everything makes me irrascibly angry and depressed and bound to cry at some point. but let's face it: THIS HAPPENS TO EVERY GIRL. and most boys. i'm pretty sure men have a time of the month also because jeez sometimes they act worse than we do, and for no reason no less. i've lost my train of thought now.
i just hate everything. i'll edit this at some point.